Bubba and Clem Do New Jerk City

Bubba and Clem have returned to the good ole U S of A at last. On the plane ride home, they started figgering out how to open their dream dive shop.

First of all they noed that divers was cheap. They seen some of the tips that the Mexican dive guides got on their boat trip. One clown from Baston gave the guide a single buck for a week ( but he seemed to know everything about everything so they figgered they might need him later so thay got his name and address ). Heck, Bubba and Clem tipped the dudes a heap of money for all they did for them, each of em left $200 in tip for the crew for a weeks diving. They were reared better than to stiff some great guides. Lesson here, sports fans, ALWAYS tip the dive crew.

They figgered if they want to make money in a dive shop it had to be somewhere other than LA ( not Cailfornian if you be jest joing us ). Somewhere where the divers had lots of money. Florida and Californeia was out - two many dive shops already. So they figgered as much as they hated the thought it had to be in New Jerk City where they was a heap of folks and most had a few dollers. 'sides the yeller bikini strang thing gal lived there and that reel cute cave divn woman did too ( but they wondered why she went in dem holes? ). They already had friends there.

They called up the airplane company and gived em the Am Ex number and got em two seats in first class. Bubba figgered that since some smartalec on AOL told him in a post he had no class he would show the dude by being in first class. Besides he heered that you got all the peanuts you could eat and a Coca-Cola too.

They flewed up to Newark or sumthing like that and rented em a Cadillac convertible cause Clem wanted to peek up out the top to see them skyscraper buildings. They drived to a Real Estate office. They told the lady they wanted to buy a building to turn into a diving shop.

This woman at the Real Estate office was as rude as a banny rooster in the hen house. Bubba wanted to yell at her but Clem whispered to him that all the folks up there was rude and he too would learn how. Well to make a long story short, this here sales woman figuered thes good ole boys were as dumb as a sack of rocks and she could take them for a cleaning. She had an old Texaco gas station for sale in Brooklyn.

She told the boys all kind of lies about the area and had them sold before they even seen the place. Clem asked her if she could get them some Brooklyn Dodgers tickets. And the lien ole woman told them sure she could get them some on the 50 yard line. This sold Clem right then and there.

They got to the location of the old gas station and parked to look it over. Nice one had three bay doors and only a few winders were braked. Somebody tride to decorate the place and spray painted some ferren language on the walls. Must be some nice neighborhood children.

The boys asked the woman if they could huddle and thank it over. She said she only had 10 minutes. Bubba was a wee bit hesitant while Clem wanted the tickets to the Brooklyn Dodgers games. They made the decision to buy the joint. They told the woman they would pay in cash and wanted to do the deal right now. Clem, since he is the smart one, reached in his tote sack and pulled out $1,450,000 in hundred doller bills and gived them to the lady. She plum fainted out like a stone. Bubba said it served the smartalec right. They fetched a bambulance to haul her away.

She called them later at their hotel and they did the deal.

Bubba and Clem had a new dilemma. What was they gonna call the joint. After move than a few Schlitz beers, they come to the conclusion that there could only be one name good enough fer them. The joint is now none as Bubba and Clem's Dive Emporium and Gas Station.

The place needed some paint and the inside needed fixing up and they needed somebody to dig em a cement pond. They went to calling in favors from back home. The painting could be done by the Jackson twins, the carpentry work by Lester's 6th cousin Henry and his co worker Johnny. Now they could call in ole Ben Dover, the back how man to dig the cement pond. They would get a local man to do the cementing, put up a fancy sign and pave the parking lot. Some dude named Vinny who talked funny would be in charge.

The cement pond had to be jus right. It was 25 meters long by 25 meters wide and the deep end was 20 feet deep. Clem gets kold so it had to be heated to 88 degrees year round. This was gonna be the best cement pond in all of divn.

Well while all the work were going on the boys called up the dive gear makers and tolded them they wanted to buy a bunch of toys. The manufactures figgered they could sell these rubs the whole farm and jumped at the chance. Clem, the smart one, set down his wall calender from back home, the one he got at the car parts store with the nakked woman with a wrench in her hand on it, and writ down when the sales reps would be there.

They wanted only the best lines of stuff, but they didn't have a clue what that would be so they put an add in the New Jerk Times for a diving expert to be a consultant.

TO BE CONTINUED....