Bubba and Clem in Manhattan

Bubba and Clem done set em up a surprize trip up to New Jerk City to take that there pretty cave divn woman to dinner at a fancy New Jerk restaurant on hers birthday, which be today. Happy Birthday Cave Divn Woman.

It wented like this, Clem he done rang up that yeller bikini string thang yankee gal and tolded her that him and Bubba gonna fly up to New Jerk City today to take the new cave divn woman to supper. They had a friend of the cave woman tell her to be ready at 7:30 tonight at the fancy stake joint and to dress up reel fancy and all and to be sure to put on some smellum.

These fly into JFK aereoport and that cute lil yankee gal in the yeller bikini string thang meets em there. She is decked out in a black dinner suit ( yankees call supper, dinner ). Theys flag down a cab and low and behold a strange looking feren feller what must have had a bad head injury cause he done had a towel wraped around his noggin, were the driver. The thang hanging next to the fuzzy dice on the rear view mirror said his name was Hockmed. Sounded like an old woman clearing up her throat. He talked kinda funny too.

It had done come up a cloud ( to you uneducated in Southernese, that means it a started rainen ). Well this here feren towel wrapped head driver feller was as rude as these come, Bubba in his infinity wisdom thought since all New Jerkers was rude, it must be sumthang in the water. Hockmrd blowed the horn every two minutes and cussed at everybody he could in some strange ferren tongue. He liked given directions causen he was always pointing with his middle finger. He went out of his way to run through a puddle of water to splash folks on the street. He drived like a psycho man, he done had Bubba plum scared. They had to go all the way to Manhattan to meet the cave divn gal. They was gonna meet her at a fancy downtown, or was it uptown, steak place.

They was gonna take her to the best steak joint in New Jerk City. It had a funny name, 'twas called Smith and Wollensky down at 49th and 3rd Ave. It was 'posed to be the best steak joint anywhere and the boys were hungry cause all they had to eat on the airplane was a sack of Krystal burgers ( they had 17 ) that Bubba brung along and Delta did give em a Coke a Cola and some goobers.

Well low and behold there was standing that cave woman, leaning on a light pole, all dressed to fit the kill. She were so darn pretty. All dolled up in a slinky black dress that might be a tad too short and looked like it came out of a spray paint can. She smelled bettern a summer hayloft. She was so happy to see Bubba she ran over hand give him a big ole hug. He introduced her to Clem and it turned out that she knowed the yeller bikini string thang yankee gal already. Surprise, Surprise, Surprise, as Clem's hero Gomer Piles would say.

They went inside and a table was a waiting fer them. Once sitted down, Clem, ordered them a bottle of the best bubbly wine tasting stuff, heck it cost $235, a lot more than a jug of that thar Cold Ducks. Theys look over the menu and Bubba was a bit disappointed that there weren't no chili dogs on the list. Bubba nearly passed out when he seed the price sheet for steaks, but what the heck, he was gonna impress that cave woman, and Clem was a springing anyhow.

The waiter, a feller that took to walking kinda light in hissens loafers, asked fer their orders. Bubba knowed to be polite in front of girls so's he let em order first. Ms Birthday Cave Divn woman went first. She ordered a T Boned Stake, medium rare ( Bubba axs her fer the bone to brung to Rudy ) with some kinda fancy named rice ( bet is twas just Minute rice with some hot salve on it ) then that cute yankee yeller bikini string thang gal ordered hersef a petite fillay mignon cooked rare and a baked tater. Clem ordered him a 24 ounze New Your Strip Steak, cept he called it a New Jerk Strip cooked medium rare. Well Bubba wanted him a huge hunk of meat and he telled the funny little feller that was taking theys order to fetch him the biggest hunk of meat in the house cooked just a tinch.

Theys all took to eting like a man on the way to the chair. Elbows flying ever which a way. The food was the best meat they had ever had, even bettrn Son Arlin's pig cooks down in Sorysota, FL. That bone didn't have a scrap left on it, poor Rudy.

Desert time. The womens ordered cheesecake with cherrys. Bubba showed themm he could put the cherry stim in hissen mouth and tie it in a not. Birthday gal orders hersef a cappuccino and yeller bikini string thang yankee girl orders an expresso. Well the good ole boys ain't got a clu what them drinks the girls ordered is. Heck, Clem thanks that cappuccino is what a cat of his sisters died of years ago and he wern't gonna drank anything what kill a cat so's he orders him a expresso and so did Bubba. Bubba thanks they get gypped when it shows up in them lil cups, but he don't say nothing. The waiter kinda sashayed over with the dogon bill. Bubba seen it as it wented over to Clem. It were $417, Clem dropped down the Gold Am Ex card and that was that.He left the feller a good tip too, $65. Clem felt impotant, like them New Jerk City lawyers.

Theys sit a spell and talk about all the great dive trips they have been on. Bubba is really taken a shine to the cave woman, he figures if she is dumb enough to go in them holes, she dumb enough to want to goes out with hem. And her elevator can't possibly go all the way up to live in a place like New Jerk City. Heck he likes her a heap anyhow. They all decide to go on a dive trip to Walker's Cay in a couple weeks. The gals will meet em up in

Hotlanta and Clem's buddy Earl Whittaker, from up in Winder, GA, will fly em over there in his little plane. They will get to do the Shark Rodeo dive that s posed to be something else. That web woman, Bunchafins told the boys about the place. Good feeds, great dives, wonderful peoples, heap of sharks. She had writ em a web place. Bubba is scared of them shark fishes, but he don't dare let on in front of the women folk.

TO BE CONTINUED

Bubba and Clem stories copyight FDU, Inc., 1998