High Tech Red Neck Divers

Bubba and Clem do a dive...

Bubba and Clem, our high tech red neck heroes, are just about ready to get their abundance of junk ready for their first dive in salt water and their first diver over 30 feet deep. They are so excited Clem has to potty. He asks the boat captain, a Mexican, where the bathroom is? The Capt sees a loco yankee, and says No hablo. Clem holds it thinking he told him the bathroom was full..

They break out their emergency kit, a small suitcase with everything but a toilet seat in it. The girl at Walgreen's sold them 3 of everything to put in the kit ( remember Willy told them to have a good kit ). First they break out the band aids ( Bubba likes the ones with little animals on them ) and wrap their toes in them to ward off any more blisters. Next they break out the sun tan potion. They got the super duper SPF 723 kind. It was a sight fer sore eyes to see these good ole boys applying this "salve" to each other.

Now they have to put on their tights and cover up the manly bodies with with tattoo of a rebel flag on Bubbas chest. The Lycra slides on over all that SPF stuff. They take on the appearance of divers now. They figured it would be better to tip the crew to help them strap on all the dive stuff than to do it themselves.

At last they have the complete costume on and are ready to pose for a picture. They hand the crewmember a 1948 Kodak Brownie camera and ask him to take the picture. He obliges ( but is laughing inside at the camera and the red necks in all that stuff ).

Time to dive. All the sissy divers in bathing suits and single tanks and only one computer and NO LIFT BAGS or GPS units go to the rear of the boat and do one of them giant stride things. Not Bubba and Clem, they saw Mike Nelso roll over the sidfe of boats many timers on the old black and white tv at uncle Cleatus's house. They were gonna be like Mike. Well Clem goes first and with a tremendous splash he enters the water and proceeded to sink to

the bottom in 35' and ends up upside down stuck in the sand as the sissy divers hover motionless in the current staring in bewilderment. Now comes Bubba. Over the side he goes not knowing that the 13.45 meter hose will be caught on the tank rack as he goes butt first over the side. Thank God for the real long hose he says as he too is stuck in the bottom with the hose still looped over the tank rack. He is the world's first red neck "human" anchor.

The outstanding Mexican dive crew frees the long hose and once again the boat is adrift. The dive guides underwater free Clem from the bottom using the folding entrenching tool strapped to his tanks. Then he moves over to Bubba who is trailing 13.45 meters of hose from his regulator and digs him out too. The good ole boys still can't get off the bottom, so the guide removes their weight belts and inflates several of their wing things and at last ther

rise up like a hant from a graveyard off the bottom. Not too bad they only took out about 7 acres of coral. Clem thinks to himself, it will grow back by next year with a little fertilizer.

Clem is the ever watchful buddy and he goes over to Bubba and wraps his long hose around his tanks and ties it in a fancy know to keep it from draggin. Bubba is so thankful he reaches in his pack and offers Clem a bottle of Gatorade that they bought in town last night.

They drift along with the rest of the group looking in amazement at the fishes and critters. They saw none of this in the Tennessee River or in the rock quarry back home. They had heard of them critters in dive class and now they were swimming with de fishes. This is better than high cotton.

The dive is ending and they look at their fancy instruments and determine that Clem has 678 pisg of air left and Bubba has a whopping 732 left in their twin 120's. They look at the clock and see they have been down 52 minutes. They figer the sissy divers with one tank must be completely dry. Clem blunders over to two sissy girl divers with pink BCs on and peaks at their gauges, one has 1700 and the other about 1400 left. Clem does some cyphering and

determines that tjey had tanks hidden in the reef and changed during the dive. Note: Clem is the smart one of the two, he graduated 6th grade and can do goesintos with the best of em.

They are doing a safety stop at about 15' and Bubba, the safety first one of the brain trust, decides to sent up his lift bag aith 4000 feet of rope hooked to the cave reel with one end tied to one end, put a small double ended clip on the other. He does and is so proud of hisself until he sees 23 divers trapped in the rope on his safety thing. Oups, he is is trouble now. But he has heered about some divers using a parachute to get up, when he were

in de army he used one to get down. He makes a note on his waterproof mini PC to go to the Army-Navy stoe and fetch a used parachute fer next trip. But, Clem, the smart one, knows how to fix this, he simply extracts his 8 inch Poulin chainsaw from the watertight pack, and has at ti with the rope freeing all the divers. He knows that the babe in the yeller pokerdotted bikini will think of him as her hero.

Being the southern gentlemen that they are, they let all the others on the boat first. They attempt to climb on board, Bubba first. Now Bubba is 6'6 and weighs 275 pounds and he has about 196 pounds of junk on him. Well to make a long story short, the entry ladder snaps like a twin. All he can think of is the gal in the yeller bikini....

TO BE CONTINUED if the good Lord is willin and de creek don't rise...